[ it is, he thinks, far easier said than done. regret, guilt, shame. those have all been the three things closest to kaveh for a long, long time. guilt for ruining his family. regret for lying to his mother. at the very least, shame is always something that is there while also not. it is only when kaveh is at his worst that he allows himself to be ashamed of himself. he is, and has always been, far too prideful. there had easily been some, back in their akademiya days, that dared gossip about how kaveh of kshahrewar was so impossibly arrogant. bouts of inspiration would turn the red of his eyes into the most rare jewels, and no matter where he would be, he would have a piece of chalk between his fingers and scribble away his ideas, right there, right then, for the world to see.

he has argued with classmates. he has disagreed with mentors. he has certainly been arrogant quite a few times, but if he is not— if he's not proud of his craft, of his creations, of the work he pours blood and sweat and love into, who would? if he himself is not his biggest fan, who would?

(kaveh knows well the answer to such questions. if he trips and falls, someone would catch him, without fail. if he trips, he would not ever fall, for that same someone would prevent the fall from ever happening. he knows. he knows.)

it is, of course, as alhaitham said. kaveh is himself when he's with alhaitham. it is an undeniable, unquestionable truth. ]

You are a terrible enabler. Do you do this to everyone else? [ the question is rhetorical. they're both more than aware of the answer.

kaveh lays the lotus down on the water. he gives it a gentle nudge, and watches it stream down the river. ]

And how much, exactly, should I want? At the cost of greed? Wanting is human nature. Don't you think the problem lies elsewhere?

[ not for his lack of want, no. it is, instead, his inability of judging himself worth of selfishness. ]