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[ kaveh's eyes skim over the tight wound of alhaitham's bandages. they beg no comment. alhaitham, in turn, offers none. the flaxen blond of his hair trails as he turns back to alhaitham's room. kaveh sits first, and then jerks his head to follow suit. for once, alhaitham feels the bone weariness of exhaustion like the tug of a tether. this is how whirlpools begin, with the quietest of eddies along the slim edge of a waterfall, and then the perspective in which you view the world begins to turn. alhaitham looks, and then, because alhaitham never does anything he does not want to do, he follows.
it's safer to sit apart. alhaitham does not have the energy to execute precautions. kaveh is lucid, and the scent of heat has dissipated. and so the mattress next to kaveh dips as alhaitham positions himself in front of the spread of cold cuts. without ceremony, he takes a thin slice of carefully smoked meat and consumes it. he doesn't respond until he's eaten three more cuts. alhaitham's hand finds the handkerchief, and then the jug of lemon water. ]
Their meeting with you has been postponed. I thought it prudent to wait until your condition stabilised. [ alhaitham drinks. he takes for himself a handful of little carrots, and cups them in one hand as he eats. ] They will receive word when it's safe to meet.
it's safer to sit apart. alhaitham does not have the energy to execute precautions. kaveh is lucid, and the scent of heat has dissipated. and so the mattress next to kaveh dips as alhaitham positions himself in front of the spread of cold cuts. without ceremony, he takes a thin slice of carefully smoked meat and consumes it. he doesn't respond until he's eaten three more cuts. alhaitham's hand finds the handkerchief, and then the jug of lemon water. ]
Their meeting with you has been postponed. I thought it prudent to wait until your condition stabilised. [ alhaitham drinks. he takes for himself a handful of little carrots, and cups them in one hand as he eats. ] They will receive word when it's safe to meet.
[ as if the very veil of kaveh's thoughts were not lifted before alhaitham's eyes. alhaitham does not need to look. his hands join kaveh's as he skims the water, and then, because he can, he gathers dendro. green flits across his fingertips. three small mirrors appear, vanish with the angle of light, and then elongate into something long, lean and with a barbed hook curved into its end. ]
Now, you are.
[ is what alhaitham says. he reaches with his refracted hook. the dendro blends in deceptively with the green of the nearby lilypad, right up until alhaitham begins to pull. the kalpalata lotus has petals the colour of a midday sky. he gently cups the flower in his hand, and staps the stem with the other.
alhaitham lifts the flower from its pond. it weighs heavy with lakewater; he allows it to drain into the grass. ]
You have allowed yourself to become congruent with your actions, but it's an easy decision to make. It is only us. [ and then, in that self-same tone: ] Hold the flower still.
Now, you are.
[ is what alhaitham says. he reaches with his refracted hook. the dendro blends in deceptively with the green of the nearby lilypad, right up until alhaitham begins to pull. the kalpalata lotus has petals the colour of a midday sky. he gently cups the flower in his hand, and staps the stem with the other.
alhaitham lifts the flower from its pond. it weighs heavy with lakewater; he allows it to drain into the grass. ]
You have allowed yourself to become congruent with your actions, but it's an easy decision to make. It is only us. [ and then, in that self-same tone: ] Hold the flower still.
[ the changes happen with minimal announcement. the slight lift of his eyes. the way they gleam. alhaitham's words are flint, and they rekindle the flame of hope in the fire-red of his eyes.
postponed, kaveh repeats to himself. not cancelled. not punished. not tortured. not killed. postponed. he will see them, still. it is a small, meaningless blessing that he would treat as the most delicate little thing in the entire star. postponed.
kaveh finds, then, purchase to eat the carrot slices.
there are, still, a plethora of questions without answers. kaveh rose from induced slumber after an induced heat, and found his thoughts, coherent and rational at last, fussing over people who are not him. caring for them. he bleeds himself dry, still, for all but himself.
there are questions. kaveh would not have an answer to all of them. he judges their weight, the taste of the words on his tongue. what he chooses first, then, is: ] Why haven't you marked me?
[ the choice of wording is a conscious one. the carrots, at the very least, are sweet in his mouth. kaveh will need them. ]
postponed, kaveh repeats to himself. not cancelled. not punished. not tortured. not killed. postponed. he will see them, still. it is a small, meaningless blessing that he would treat as the most delicate little thing in the entire star. postponed.
kaveh finds, then, purchase to eat the carrot slices.
there are, still, a plethora of questions without answers. kaveh rose from induced slumber after an induced heat, and found his thoughts, coherent and rational at last, fussing over people who are not him. caring for them. he bleeds himself dry, still, for all but himself.
there are questions. kaveh would not have an answer to all of them. he judges their weight, the taste of the words on his tongue. what he chooses first, then, is: ] Why haven't you marked me?
[ the choice of wording is a conscious one. the carrots, at the very least, are sweet in his mouth. kaveh will need them. ]
[ the journal is a part of someone's heart left behind. it is not for prying eyes.
kaveh feels his heart sink, and he chooses to ignore it. the glass is freezing cold against his fingers, suddenly. servants do not breathe, but kaveh has his stuck in his throat. it is a series of reactions in accordance to the words that leave alhaitham's mouth. ]
... I can't.
[ there is no elaboration just yet. the length of his fingers tighten their grip on the glass of prism-like water. it is not written on any books that tell the story of his life and accomplishments that kaveh, light of kshahrewar, when ridden with anxiety, twiddles his thumbs as a tell. the glass prevents him from doing so, but they still meet, and find comfort in each other.
kaveh steels himself, and shakes his head. low, slowly. carefully. ]
I can't use that particular skill, for some reason. Or rather, I don't remember how to. [ the irony is like poison, and it decays him from inside out. ] She doesn't happen to have any other long-lost journals scattered out there, does she? I will find them. Maybe one of them will be of help.
kaveh feels his heart sink, and he chooses to ignore it. the glass is freezing cold against his fingers, suddenly. servants do not breathe, but kaveh has his stuck in his throat. it is a series of reactions in accordance to the words that leave alhaitham's mouth. ]
... I can't.
[ there is no elaboration just yet. the length of his fingers tighten their grip on the glass of prism-like water. it is not written on any books that tell the story of his life and accomplishments that kaveh, light of kshahrewar, when ridden with anxiety, twiddles his thumbs as a tell. the glass prevents him from doing so, but they still meet, and find comfort in each other.
kaveh steels himself, and shakes his head. low, slowly. carefully. ]
I can't use that particular skill, for some reason. Or rather, I don't remember how to. [ the irony is like poison, and it decays him from inside out. ] She doesn't happen to have any other long-lost journals scattered out there, does she? I will find them. Maybe one of them will be of help.
[ it is, indeed, only them. that, kaveh finds, is enough for him to have fun.
a kaveh of days past would have found room to argue that alhaitham, who would not have been seen at the heart of the festival, was missing out on true fun. a kaveh who is not cursed with eleazar would have thought the same. the current kaveh, detached from all his other selves, prefers the quiet. has learned to prioritize it. it is much easier on his decaying body to enjoy the company of someone who does not see him for his illness than a crowd who just might.
that, too, kaveh does not allow in his heart. at the very least, he has learned to pick and choose which poison he will drink each day. ]
Then wouldn't you say I've been 'congruent with my actions' from the beginning? I claimed that fun is what matters, and asked you to whisk me away. [ kaveh holds his hands out, side by side, to welcome the flower. kalpalata lotuses are much prettier come nightfall, when they bask in moonlight, and bloom to their full potential.
he has always found them much different from him. ] I knew that no matter where you took me, I would have fun. Because you would be there with me.
a kaveh of days past would have found room to argue that alhaitham, who would not have been seen at the heart of the festival, was missing out on true fun. a kaveh who is not cursed with eleazar would have thought the same. the current kaveh, detached from all his other selves, prefers the quiet. has learned to prioritize it. it is much easier on his decaying body to enjoy the company of someone who does not see him for his illness than a crowd who just might.
that, too, kaveh does not allow in his heart. at the very least, he has learned to pick and choose which poison he will drink each day. ]
Then wouldn't you say I've been 'congruent with my actions' from the beginning? I claimed that fun is what matters, and asked you to whisk me away. [ kaveh holds his hands out, side by side, to welcome the flower. kalpalata lotuses are much prettier come nightfall, when they bask in moonlight, and bloom to their full potential.
he has always found them much different from him. ] I knew that no matter where you took me, I would have fun. Because you would be there with me.
Why, you ask.
[ the carrots crunch between kaveh's teeth. that's the thing with kaveh. even his idealism have teeth. sitting by him and the sanguine torch of his eyes, it is impossible to forget that kaveh is an architect by trade. the calculator of the tightest of margins, the visualisation of vectors and surface areas, the one who wrests art from a realm of dream kicking and screaming into a disappointing reality. the act of creation is a traumatic one. kaveh's use of language says more than what he has already said: that kaveh had been expecting to be taken since the day he arrived.
reality has always been disappointing.
in turn, alhaitham continues to eat. there is an unsettled hollow within him. he starves. his head hurts. his arms ache. he is annoyed. he is furious. of everything, he can only address one. before the day is done, he will have addressed three. but in this moment, alhaitham takes another slice of cured meats, and barely tastes it as it vanishes between the click of his teeth.
the answer comes, as it always has come, bloodless: ]
Because I do not wish to mark you.
[ the carrots crunch between kaveh's teeth. that's the thing with kaveh. even his idealism have teeth. sitting by him and the sanguine torch of his eyes, it is impossible to forget that kaveh is an architect by trade. the calculator of the tightest of margins, the visualisation of vectors and surface areas, the one who wrests art from a realm of dream kicking and screaming into a disappointing reality. the act of creation is a traumatic one. kaveh's use of language says more than what he has already said: that kaveh had been expecting to be taken since the day he arrived.
reality has always been disappointing.
in turn, alhaitham continues to eat. there is an unsettled hollow within him. he starves. his head hurts. his arms ache. he is annoyed. he is furious. of everything, he can only address one. before the day is done, he will have addressed three. but in this moment, alhaitham takes another slice of cured meats, and barely tastes it as it vanishes between the click of his teeth.
the answer comes, as it always has come, bloodless: ]
Because I do not wish to mark you.
[ interesting.
alhaitham looks. the cant of his head is that of a creature having discovered a new shape of a puzzle. he considers the irony of the premise: a homunculus without his memory, paired with a servant who remembers less. the greater grail is clockwork. in its uninteresting in its predictability. you will only summon a servant missing part of its memory if you were actively corrupting the flow of data from the throne of heroes to the leyline of this reality, or if the servant was already dispositioned towards forgetting. that alhaitham and his servant share the same concern needs to be a coincidence, but even coincidences can be manufactured.
in turn, alhaitham observes the fidget of kaveh's hands against the glass. ]
Have you had pomegranate?
[ apropos of nothing, this is the question that comes. ]
alhaitham looks. the cant of his head is that of a creature having discovered a new shape of a puzzle. he considers the irony of the premise: a homunculus without his memory, paired with a servant who remembers less. the greater grail is clockwork. in its uninteresting in its predictability. you will only summon a servant missing part of its memory if you were actively corrupting the flow of data from the throne of heroes to the leyline of this reality, or if the servant was already dispositioned towards forgetting. that alhaitham and his servant share the same concern needs to be a coincidence, but even coincidences can be manufactured.
in turn, alhaitham observes the fidget of kaveh's hands against the glass. ]
Have you had pomegranate?
[ apropos of nothing, this is the question that comes. ]
[ the light playful debate of an eddying breeze. alhaitham gently arranges the flower in kaveh's palm. the lakewater is cool, and free. the stem sits slotted between kaveh's fingers. its petals splay, as if breathing out in the way of a sigh. blue, and the gentle gradient of a budding purple, with the golden yellow of a clustered stamen. objectively speaking, the lotus is beautiful. it becomes something else in kaveh's hands.
in turn, alhaitham reaches into his pouch. the vial that he takes out is empty. he begins to gently press its open lip to the flower's stamen. pollen gathers, tumbling into the glass vial like golden motes of light. ]
You would have fun, so long as the two of us were not walking down the hill in plain sight of the world.
[ because it had been kaveh who had wished to be carried anywhere. through process of elimination, it implies that it, too, had been kaveh, who had been dissatisfied with being where he was. alhaitham thinks, there truly is no-one comfortable in the mere guise of their own skin. but people as a whole would live happier lives if they were.
alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Your premise, as usual, forgets the limitations of your own comfort.
in turn, alhaitham reaches into his pouch. the vial that he takes out is empty. he begins to gently press its open lip to the flower's stamen. pollen gathers, tumbling into the glass vial like golden motes of light. ]
You would have fun, so long as the two of us were not walking down the hill in plain sight of the world.
[ because it had been kaveh who had wished to be carried anywhere. through process of elimination, it implies that it, too, had been kaveh, who had been dissatisfied with being where he was. alhaitham thinks, there truly is no-one comfortable in the mere guise of their own skin. but people as a whole would live happier lives if they were.
alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Your premise, as usual, forgets the limitations of your own comfort.
there is a loneliness more precious than life; / GAY FOR PAY ✨
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haravatits
2023-06-23 11:34 pm (UTC)(link)
[ twenty years ago on the fifth of may, alhaitham passed away. this is a metaphor reaching its inevitable conclusion, filtered through a poet's way of perceiving the world. through the looking glass, one can see the pieces align: a child barely five years of age, dead parents, a grandmother on life support and the fragments of an entire life before him shattered like fractal stars. alhaitham should have ceased to exist that day. children tend to do so when passed through the crucible of an overtaxed foster care system. but there had been a question posed that day - and alhaitham, who had looked to the choices before him scattered upon the broken flagstones of the path leading into an uncertain galaxy, had looked back, and merely said: yes.
they say chess is a primordial game that has existed since mankind have known games. if alhaitham were to describe it, he would akin it to a sea. its depths are known, but not mapped. its perils are described, but not catalogued. the colour of it on a sunlit day is the blue of a ravishing sky at dawn; the colour of it in storm is deeper than the far reaches of a hallowed galaxy. one could skim along its shores and make a good living. to wade too far into it is an ever-decreasing ratio of returns; to sink into its depth without a tether is folly. but if described in plain terms, alhaitham would akin it to this: chess is merely a means of survival. as a five year old child, he'd understood it as such. even now, the analogy stands. to win, one merely needs to be the last one standing.
tonight: alhaitham stands. the ticking of the grandfather clock reverberates beneath the rumble of the incoming storm. sumeru city has always been like this, with its roiling clouds tearing themselves apart over the peaks of jagged mountain tops, only to descend into its fertile, rainforest valleys before scattering over the expanse of an endless desert. the tailend of the monsoon season brings fresh migrants to its doors. there are those who live and die by the seasons. alhaitham's home nestles itself above the floodplains. its sloped rooves need seasonal cleaning. his gardens need biweekly trimming. his fences need yearly mending. there is always work to be done for those who look for it. and within its cloistered walls, alhaitham sends messages into the void, and waits.
the ritual is thus: a message to the service, a three-day waiting period. an appointment booked. in a fortnight, disappointment. it has been like so ever since alhaitham moved to the city proper with nothing but a slip of paper in hand and the knowledge that he owes a debt. at five years of age, he had not thought the debt could ever be repaid. but time has a way of whiling away the impossible. alhaitham works seven days a month. he finds solace in a private wall-to-wall library; he has found time to learn twenty languages. and every week, alhaitham sends a message to the service, and allows the wrong person in through his doors.
this, too, is a debt.
this week, alhaitham bends over his board and makes it his world. the doorbell chimes; a mere swipe of his phone, and the door unlocks itself. alhaitham does not bother to look up. he never does. the silence of the house steeps within the pages of the books that it keeps, muffled by the thick, dark carpet that wends its way through the sole animal trail that allows footfalls. the kettle boils. it whistles, announcing the completion of it task. and through the murk, alhaitham says: ]
Make tea.
they say chess is a primordial game that has existed since mankind have known games. if alhaitham were to describe it, he would akin it to a sea. its depths are known, but not mapped. its perils are described, but not catalogued. the colour of it on a sunlit day is the blue of a ravishing sky at dawn; the colour of it in storm is deeper than the far reaches of a hallowed galaxy. one could skim along its shores and make a good living. to wade too far into it is an ever-decreasing ratio of returns; to sink into its depth without a tether is folly. but if described in plain terms, alhaitham would akin it to this: chess is merely a means of survival. as a five year old child, he'd understood it as such. even now, the analogy stands. to win, one merely needs to be the last one standing.
tonight: alhaitham stands. the ticking of the grandfather clock reverberates beneath the rumble of the incoming storm. sumeru city has always been like this, with its roiling clouds tearing themselves apart over the peaks of jagged mountain tops, only to descend into its fertile, rainforest valleys before scattering over the expanse of an endless desert. the tailend of the monsoon season brings fresh migrants to its doors. there are those who live and die by the seasons. alhaitham's home nestles itself above the floodplains. its sloped rooves need seasonal cleaning. his gardens need biweekly trimming. his fences need yearly mending. there is always work to be done for those who look for it. and within its cloistered walls, alhaitham sends messages into the void, and waits.
the ritual is thus: a message to the service, a three-day waiting period. an appointment booked. in a fortnight, disappointment. it has been like so ever since alhaitham moved to the city proper with nothing but a slip of paper in hand and the knowledge that he owes a debt. at five years of age, he had not thought the debt could ever be repaid. but time has a way of whiling away the impossible. alhaitham works seven days a month. he finds solace in a private wall-to-wall library; he has found time to learn twenty languages. and every week, alhaitham sends a message to the service, and allows the wrong person in through his doors.
this, too, is a debt.
this week, alhaitham bends over his board and makes it his world. the doorbell chimes; a mere swipe of his phone, and the door unlocks itself. alhaitham does not bother to look up. he never does. the silence of the house steeps within the pages of the books that it keeps, muffled by the thick, dark carpet that wends its way through the sole animal trail that allows footfalls. the kettle boils. it whistles, announcing the completion of it task. and through the murk, alhaitham says: ]
Make tea.
[ the changes happen with minimal announcement. this time, his eyes lower. they do not gleam. the answer provides only more questions.
the choice of light dinner is a wise one. though kaveh finds his body starving, the fatigue does not allow him the luxury of anticipating overly nutritious food. the idea, instead, sickens him. the rice is appreciated. the carrots are sweet. the fish, as kaveh reaches for it, is eaten in small bites, and the taste keeps his feelings at bay. he does not have the strength to burn himself into a splendid bonfire that is just a flame away from grasping at the stars.
kaveh eats. kaveh thinks. there is one more question to be asked, and in the logical order of conversation, he finds an adequate room. ]
Because it would please Azar too much?
[ only then does kaveh spare alhaitham the red of his eyes. ]
the choice of light dinner is a wise one. though kaveh finds his body starving, the fatigue does not allow him the luxury of anticipating overly nutritious food. the idea, instead, sickens him. the rice is appreciated. the carrots are sweet. the fish, as kaveh reaches for it, is eaten in small bites, and the taste keeps his feelings at bay. he does not have the strength to burn himself into a splendid bonfire that is just a flame away from grasping at the stars.
kaveh eats. kaveh thinks. there is one more question to be asked, and in the logical order of conversation, he finds an adequate room. ]
Because it would please Azar too much?
[ only then does kaveh spare alhaitham the red of his eyes. ]
[ apropos of nothing indeed.
it is disorientating, if only because kaveh wonders, for a moment, if forgetfulness is the least of his problems. his fingers relax around the length of the glass, and the blood-red of his eyes meet alhaitham.
he blinks. once, twice. it's easy to overthink words and actions into a world of fantasy, with no claim and proof and evidence of its credibility. it would be ever so easy to assume that alhaitham, aware of the budding anxiety suffocating his own servant right in front of him, would choose to deviate from the main topic. it would be easy to force care into another person.
but kaveh, for all of his idealism, is a scholar all the same. ]
Huh. Uh. Yes, I have. [ tighnari, he remembers, would always bring him new fruits he discovered. pomegranates had been one of them. ] Why do you ask?
it is disorientating, if only because kaveh wonders, for a moment, if forgetfulness is the least of his problems. his fingers relax around the length of the glass, and the blood-red of his eyes meet alhaitham.
he blinks. once, twice. it's easy to overthink words and actions into a world of fantasy, with no claim and proof and evidence of its credibility. it would be ever so easy to assume that alhaitham, aware of the budding anxiety suffocating his own servant right in front of him, would choose to deviate from the main topic. it would be easy to force care into another person.
but kaveh, for all of his idealism, is a scholar all the same. ]
Huh. Uh. Yes, I have. [ tighnari, he remembers, would always bring him new fruits he discovered. pomegranates had been one of them. ] Why do you ask?
I'm hardly perfect, after all.
[ anywhere, kaveh had said. anywhere that it is only us.
the truth of the matter is that he never hates being seen with alhaitham. they are, impossibly so, friends. they are what each other has left. to hate being seen alongside another person is to insult their person, to claim unspoken embarrassment not for being seen, but for being with them. none of those are true. that he would ever be seen with alhaitham is as logical as claiming the sun and the moon cohabit the same sky.
what kaveh hates is himself. it is being known for something he has not asked for. it is attributing his identity to something out of his grasp. something he was never given a chance to control.
yes, he thinks. it's far easier to live if kaveh forgets himself in his entirety.
his fingers twitch under the lotus. it is subtle, but it is telling. ]
What do you think I should have done, then?
[ anywhere, kaveh had said. anywhere that it is only us.
the truth of the matter is that he never hates being seen with alhaitham. they are, impossibly so, friends. they are what each other has left. to hate being seen alongside another person is to insult their person, to claim unspoken embarrassment not for being seen, but for being with them. none of those are true. that he would ever be seen with alhaitham is as logical as claiming the sun and the moon cohabit the same sky.
what kaveh hates is himself. it is being known for something he has not asked for. it is attributing his identity to something out of his grasp. something he was never given a chance to control.
yes, he thinks. it's far easier to live if kaveh forgets himself in his entirety.
his fingers twitch under the lotus. it is subtle, but it is telling. ]
What do you think I should have done, then?
[ it has always been a potential outcome of the proceedings, that kaveh, high on heat would retain just enough of himself to know his measure. the matter of integrity, however, is knowing that regardless of kaveh remembers, alhaitham's answer would have remained the same. alhaitham does not consider himself a man who holds himself to a higher standard. he is merely a man who holds himself his own. he is alhaitham - there is no-one in this world who is qualified to judge him save for himself.
himself, and one other.
alhaitham gaze rests upon the platter of cold meats. he wipes his hands, slowly, and then reaches for a serving spoon. the shirazi loads onto a small plate, tomatoes and cucumbers tumbling into flakes of dried mint. ]
And because it would please me too little. [ alhaitham's fork dips into his salad. ] This will happen again in a fortnight. We do not use suppressants in Vissudha. Explain yours to me.
himself, and one other.
alhaitham gaze rests upon the platter of cold meats. he wipes his hands, slowly, and then reaches for a serving spoon. the shirazi loads onto a small plate, tomatoes and cucumbers tumbling into flakes of dried mint. ]
And because it would please me too little. [ alhaitham's fork dips into his salad. ] This will happen again in a fortnight. We do not use suppressants in Vissudha. Explain yours to me.
[ kaveh lifts his eyes. his eyes, alhaitham thinks, are in a constant flux of motion. the indignant roll of them as kaveh swept into the room, the flicker down as the weight of his emotions fell short, the widening of such in hope, and the cooler pinks as said hope congealed. now, kaveh looks up. the refraction of the light from the glass dances gold across kaveh's knuckles and splashes a bright swathe across kaveh's cheek. the servant's eyes are a liquid red. nascent rubies still-sleeping within the mantle of teyvat's crust dream of such a colour. for a brief moment, the fidgeting of his hands seem to cease.
in answer, alhaitham opens his fridge. he takes out a pomegranate. in truth, he is not fond of the fruit. the dasher who delivered alhaitham's groceries had slipped it in with the other fruits as thanks for alhaitham's tendency to calculate his tips based on a livable city wage. the fruit is work to pick apart for very little reward. the taste is sharp and the seeds more so. he cracks open the pomegranate with his bare hands. alhaitham places one glistening wax and garnet half of the chambered fruit onto the counter, and the other into kaveh's hand. ]
Pick at that if you have to bother your hands with something to do. [ is what alhaitham says. and then: ] She has only kept the one journal. I remember enough to ascertain as such. Were you known for deficits in memory in your life?
in answer, alhaitham opens his fridge. he takes out a pomegranate. in truth, he is not fond of the fruit. the dasher who delivered alhaitham's groceries had slipped it in with the other fruits as thanks for alhaitham's tendency to calculate his tips based on a livable city wage. the fruit is work to pick apart for very little reward. the taste is sharp and the seeds more so. he cracks open the pomegranate with his bare hands. alhaitham places one glistening wax and garnet half of the chambered fruit onto the counter, and the other into kaveh's hand. ]
Pick at that if you have to bother your hands with something to do. [ is what alhaitham says. and then: ] She has only kept the one journal. I remember enough to ascertain as such. Were you known for deficits in memory in your life?
Exactly as you had. You simply should not have allowed yourself to feel shame.
[ the vial collects pollen. alhaitham takes its measure, and then, watching the little bottle of the vial fill with motes of gold, nods before he caps it. the flower bloom profusely in kaveh's hand. he leaves it there, signaling the completion of his task with the dip of his head, before the vial disappears into a pocket.
kaveh asks alhaitham what he should have done. alhaitham's answer has always been the same. congruency is only achieved by what you can control. and alhaitham's response is always, as always, from alhaitham's point of view. but that does not mean that alhaitham is unaware of the spiral that has taken ahold of kaveh. kaveh's emotions are the one thing he cannot, will not, cede.
so instead: ]
You are yourself when you are with me. [ alhaitham says, with clarity. ] You do not need to be anything or anyone else. If you choose to want something, you should choose not to want to be someone else.
Instead, you should choose to merely want.
[ the vial collects pollen. alhaitham takes its measure, and then, watching the little bottle of the vial fill with motes of gold, nods before he caps it. the flower bloom profusely in kaveh's hand. he leaves it there, signaling the completion of his task with the dip of his head, before the vial disappears into a pocket.
kaveh asks alhaitham what he should have done. alhaitham's answer has always been the same. congruency is only achieved by what you can control. and alhaitham's response is always, as always, from alhaitham's point of view. but that does not mean that alhaitham is unaware of the spiral that has taken ahold of kaveh. kaveh's emotions are the one thing he cannot, will not, cede.
so instead: ]
You are yourself when you are with me. [ alhaitham says, with clarity. ] You do not need to be anything or anyone else. If you choose to want something, you should choose not to want to be someone else.
Instead, you should choose to merely want.
[ the two questions are answered. the third, not up to kaveh's satisfaction, but he lays it to rest. there is much he remembers of times past that he recalls in the same matter one would a dream: a creation of one's mind that is not, ultimately, real. kaveh fails to recognize it as such, fails to own up to the way his body had moved, the words that had come out of his mouth, with his voice, with his intonation.
the regent's name had been an exception. it had been a surprise then, and it remains an unanswered, unraveled enigma. but kaveh, who knows how to think, who has no peer to match his wits, delves in assumptions. the current one goes as such: that the regent and the crown prince do not hold an amicable relationship, that azar may seek to probe at the first sign of weakness alhaitham may show.
this, kaveh understands. that it is easier to protect oneself, to measure every word, to watch every gesture. it is far harder to expect someone else to hold themselves in the same regard.
the unwavering, trishiraite of his eyes stare. they dress in the manner of a prey whose instincts call for analysis: whether another is to be trusted, whether it will lead into a crash for territory. it wields protectiveness.
kaveh allows them to fall, as blood is wont to do. ]
I'm not entirely familiar with the way it's made. I've heard Rukkhashava mushrooms are cultivated in Mawtiyima Forest for the sole purpose of making suppressants. [ the slices of fish are thin, and they break easily on his tongue. kaveh ponders on the weight of his words, how they measure. he recalls his dream — the one that has happened —, his dream — the one that does justice to the word itself —, and elham's words.
he breathes in, then out, and sets his plate down. ] Tighnari of Avidya Forest is the herbalist who came up with the one we use in Lokapala. It not only blocked out hormones and pheromones, but it prevented pregnancy as well. It was unique for that alone.
the regent's name had been an exception. it had been a surprise then, and it remains an unanswered, unraveled enigma. but kaveh, who knows how to think, who has no peer to match his wits, delves in assumptions. the current one goes as such: that the regent and the crown prince do not hold an amicable relationship, that azar may seek to probe at the first sign of weakness alhaitham may show.
this, kaveh understands. that it is easier to protect oneself, to measure every word, to watch every gesture. it is far harder to expect someone else to hold themselves in the same regard.
the unwavering, trishiraite of his eyes stare. they dress in the manner of a prey whose instincts call for analysis: whether another is to be trusted, whether it will lead into a crash for territory. it wields protectiveness.
kaveh allows them to fall, as blood is wont to do. ]
I'm not entirely familiar with the way it's made. I've heard Rukkhashava mushrooms are cultivated in Mawtiyima Forest for the sole purpose of making suppressants. [ the slices of fish are thin, and they break easily on his tongue. kaveh ponders on the weight of his words, how they measure. he recalls his dream — the one that has happened —, his dream — the one that does justice to the word itself —, and elham's words.
he breathes in, then out, and sets his plate down. ] Tighnari of Avidya Forest is the herbalist who came up with the one we use in Lokapala. It not only blocked out hormones and pheromones, but it prevented pregnancy as well. It was unique for that alone.
[ yes, kaveh thinks. it would be ever so easy to assume.
the fruit is foreign on his hands. the seeds are still an enchanting red, and it grounds kaveh. times change. nature breathes. the world remains the one he has always loved. it is, still, breath-takingly gorgeous.
he exhales, pulls up a plate, and begins to peel at the seeds. for a moment, kaveh feels human again. ]
No. [ he begins with slow, measured words. it was ever so easy for kaveh to lose himself in his projects, in his thoughts, create a world of his own that existed simultaneously as the world outside. it was always so very easy to lose track of time, to concentrate on something for so long that he would give up hygiene, food, sleep.
but never once, kaveh recalls, that had ever led of holes in his memory. not once has he forgotten anything. ]
It's not that I can't remember it. It's more like... like that information in particular is being kept from me. I can only assume something in my summoning didn't go quite as right.
the fruit is foreign on his hands. the seeds are still an enchanting red, and it grounds kaveh. times change. nature breathes. the world remains the one he has always loved. it is, still, breath-takingly gorgeous.
he exhales, pulls up a plate, and begins to peel at the seeds. for a moment, kaveh feels human again. ]
No. [ he begins with slow, measured words. it was ever so easy for kaveh to lose himself in his projects, in his thoughts, create a world of his own that existed simultaneously as the world outside. it was always so very easy to lose track of time, to concentrate on something for so long that he would give up hygiene, food, sleep.
but never once, kaveh recalls, that had ever led of holes in his memory. not once has he forgotten anything. ]
It's not that I can't remember it. It's more like... like that information in particular is being kept from me. I can only assume something in my summoning didn't go quite as right.
[ anyone who knew everything knew tighnari of the avidya. in a country where guided the pursuit of knowledge forth as if it were a blinkered sumpterbeast, where other academics from other regions of the world failed to slip their ideas in beneath the tight hold of azar's reins, even azar could not stop the proliferation of tighnari's work lest it set back the vissudhan healthcare system by decades. alhaitham has never met the man himself; tighnari's distaste for vissudha and the allies in the sumeran slave belt was as well-known as the sky was blue and the water is wet, but alhaitham respected a scientific mind that could not be bought, swayed, or, indeed, stifled. avidya has sued for peace. alhaitham can use that.
this, he does not say. the beginnings of a plan does not prove the effectiveness of its execution, nor does it provide a roadmap towards its rewards. alhaitham will need to think. the ingredient named, however, is intriguing. alhaitham looks to kaveh. he studies the set of his back, the red of his eyes, and the cadence of his words. ]
The Rukkhashava mushroom is a mere legend in Vissudha. No herbalist has claimed to see it. It follows that imports of the mushroom would be an impossibility. [ slow, musing: ] Tighnari of the Avidya must have wide-reaching contacts, ones that linked intrinsically with that of Lokapala's.
[ 'he's heard', kaveh said. ] You have never seen the mushrooms.
this, he does not say. the beginnings of a plan does not prove the effectiveness of its execution, nor does it provide a roadmap towards its rewards. alhaitham will need to think. the ingredient named, however, is intriguing. alhaitham looks to kaveh. he studies the set of his back, the red of his eyes, and the cadence of his words. ]
The Rukkhashava mushroom is a mere legend in Vissudha. No herbalist has claimed to see it. It follows that imports of the mushroom would be an impossibility. [ slow, musing: ] Tighnari of the Avidya must have wide-reaching contacts, ones that linked intrinsically with that of Lokapala's.
[ 'he's heard', kaveh said. ] You have never seen the mushrooms.
[ kaveh begins to pick at the fruit. the air is equal parts sweet and acrid for it. alhaitham considers the premise. ]
No. [ he says. the word is a statement unto itself. 'no' is a full sentence. it bears no elaboration. but alhaitham hears the curl of the question before it can be voiced. he continues, in that selfsame tone: ] Nothing in the summoning went wrong. Or, put more accurately, I cannot have summoned incorrectly.
[ alhaitham looks to his servant. ] Consider this example. Are you aware of modern plumbing principles?
No. [ he says. the word is a statement unto itself. 'no' is a full sentence. it bears no elaboration. but alhaitham hears the curl of the question before it can be voiced. he continues, in that selfsame tone: ] Nothing in the summoning went wrong. Or, put more accurately, I cannot have summoned incorrectly.
[ alhaitham looks to his servant. ] Consider this example. Are you aware of modern plumbing principles?
[ it is, he thinks, far easier said than done. regret, guilt, shame. those have all been the three things closest to kaveh for a long, long time. guilt for ruining his family. regret for lying to his mother. at the very least, shame is always something that is there while also not. it is only when kaveh is at his worst that he allows himself to be ashamed of himself. he is, and has always been, far too prideful. there had easily been some, back in their akademiya days, that dared gossip about how kaveh of kshahrewar was so impossibly arrogant. bouts of inspiration would turn the red of his eyes into the most rare jewels, and no matter where he would be, he would have a piece of chalk between his fingers and scribble away his ideas, right there, right then, for the world to see.
he has argued with classmates. he has disagreed with mentors. he has certainly been arrogant quite a few times, but if he is not— if he's not proud of his craft, of his creations, of the work he pours blood and sweat and love into, who would? if he himself is not his biggest fan, who would?
(kaveh knows well the answer to such questions. if he trips and falls, someone would catch him, without fail. if he trips, he would not ever fall, for that same someone would prevent the fall from ever happening. he knows. he knows.)
it is, of course, as alhaitham said. kaveh is himself when he's with alhaitham. it is an undeniable, unquestionable truth. ]
You are a terrible enabler. Do you do this to everyone else? [ the question is rhetorical. they're both more than aware of the answer.
kaveh lays the lotus down on the water. he gives it a gentle nudge, and watches it stream down the river. ]
And how much, exactly, should I want? At the cost of greed? Wanting is human nature. Don't you think the problem lies elsewhere?
[ not for his lack of want, no. it is, instead, his inability of judging himself worth of selfishness. ]
he has argued with classmates. he has disagreed with mentors. he has certainly been arrogant quite a few times, but if he is not— if he's not proud of his craft, of his creations, of the work he pours blood and sweat and love into, who would? if he himself is not his biggest fan, who would?
(kaveh knows well the answer to such questions. if he trips and falls, someone would catch him, without fail. if he trips, he would not ever fall, for that same someone would prevent the fall from ever happening. he knows. he knows.)
it is, of course, as alhaitham said. kaveh is himself when he's with alhaitham. it is an undeniable, unquestionable truth. ]
You are a terrible enabler. Do you do this to everyone else? [ the question is rhetorical. they're both more than aware of the answer.
kaveh lays the lotus down on the water. he gives it a gentle nudge, and watches it stream down the river. ]
And how much, exactly, should I want? At the cost of greed? Wanting is human nature. Don't you think the problem lies elsewhere?
[ not for his lack of want, no. it is, instead, his inability of judging himself worth of selfishness. ]
[ kaveh observes, in the same fashion that alhaitham does.
his mind sets to work. that vissudha doubts the veracity of the existence of lokapala's rukkhashava mushrooms is not surprising. they are grown in lokapala only, deep under their glowing, sky-tearing mushrooms. vissudha, that is ever so fond of conflict, that finds purchase in slavery, has never been allowed on lokapalan grounds. it is easier to assume their existence has been a fabrication or a well-told lie rather than admit it is something they do not have their greedy hands on.
kaveh observes, as he is wont to do. as he has given himself room to think before he assumes. before he allows his heart to be the be-all end-all of... this. whatever this is. ]
I have never quite had the time. [ not between growing up in a dysfunctional family. not between homeschooling. not between losing himself in the world of architecture in order to pretend the home they had then wasn't just a house. and certainly not between building the palace of alcazarzaray itself as a foundation for what family should be, as a place for healing, and a place for death.
no. kaveh has had, in fact, very little time for most things.
he looks away, at last. ] But they exist. I've spoken with Tighnari about them, myself. [ kaveh pauses. a predator who judges the integrity of another predator. ] Anyways, Avidya is under Vissudha's control now. Surely you must have someone you trust enough to send to Avidya. I could write Tighnari a letter explaining the situation and, I don't know. Giving him permission to show you the Rukkhashava mushrooms. I'm sure he would listen to me.
his mind sets to work. that vissudha doubts the veracity of the existence of lokapala's rukkhashava mushrooms is not surprising. they are grown in lokapala only, deep under their glowing, sky-tearing mushrooms. vissudha, that is ever so fond of conflict, that finds purchase in slavery, has never been allowed on lokapalan grounds. it is easier to assume their existence has been a fabrication or a well-told lie rather than admit it is something they do not have their greedy hands on.
kaveh observes, as he is wont to do. as he has given himself room to think before he assumes. before he allows his heart to be the be-all end-all of... this. whatever this is. ]
I have never quite had the time. [ not between growing up in a dysfunctional family. not between homeschooling. not between losing himself in the world of architecture in order to pretend the home they had then wasn't just a house. and certainly not between building the palace of alcazarzaray itself as a foundation for what family should be, as a place for healing, and a place for death.
no. kaveh has had, in fact, very little time for most things.
he looks away, at last. ] But they exist. I've spoken with Tighnari about them, myself. [ kaveh pauses. a predator who judges the integrity of another predator. ] Anyways, Avidya is under Vissudha's control now. Surely you must have someone you trust enough to send to Avidya. I could write Tighnari a letter explaining the situation and, I don't know. Giving him permission to show you the Rukkhashava mushrooms. I'm sure he would listen to me.
[ ever so certain, with no room for errors. kaveh would learn to trust that confidence. not yet, not now. now, kaveh furrows his brows, as though alhaitham's words are said in jest, at the wrong time and during the wrong conversation. he wonders, for a moment, if alhaitham is just socially awkward, in some way.
he brings one of the seeds to his mouth, and tastes it. despite all the years that have gone since his passing, the fruits are the same as he remembers. ]
... To some extent. It depends how much it has changed since my time, I guess? [ that, and the grail hasn't quite imparted him with that sort of knowledge. ] How does it apply to this?
he brings one of the seeds to his mouth, and tastes it. despite all the years that have gone since his passing, the fruits are the same as he remembers. ]
... To some extent. It depends how much it has changed since my time, I guess? [ that, and the grail hasn't quite imparted him with that sort of knowledge. ] How does it apply to this?
i will if u tell my brain to stop being depressed, because this week's killin me hahaaaah
haravatits
2023-07-02 07:33 am (UTC)(link)
[ there had been a time in the akademiya where you could walk down the halls of the kshahrewar and step into a world of another's making. the chalk drawings had paved the flagstones of myths and dreams into stolid stone halls. geometric wonders competed with the spirals of golden proportions, glinting with the unearthly touch of a wayward sun. not even the rtawahists dared step into the intangible for fear of invoking the shift of something very tangible beneath their feet; it was the kshahrewar that murmured with the kind of fear one only gained standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking a world emobodying a mysterium tremendum et fascinans. it was as if you looked into the face of your archon. you couldn't accept it, you couldn't look away, and moreover, you couldn't help but see yourself reflected: it wasn't you, this wasn't you, this couldn't be you, and why?
kaveh did that to people. one could never see their own inadequacy without looking into the eyes of something greater. it was only alhaitham who stopped at the foot of the drawing and looked to its spires without flinching; it was only alhaitham, the sashay of his black robes around the still-thin lines of his legs, who bent down and moved a piece of chalk away from kaveh's encroaching feet.
today's alhaitham observes the drift of the lotus down the river. he turns back to kaveh. the curve of his eyes hide the brittle of red there; for a moment, alhaitham seems almost tired. ]
As always, you ask questions to which you already know the answers. [ it doesn't suit you, is alhaitham's silent rejoinder, said across time and universes with the same confidence one might indicate the rising of the sun or the migration of birds south for the winter - it doesn't suit kaveh because kaveh ought not diminish his flame for anyone. not kaveh, never kaveh. ] If you can identify the problem to my premise, then you are also able to work your way through the selfsame logic to another. You do not want me to provide you an answer; you merely need it.
But this is not an answer you need me to voice for you. [ alhaitham looks. ] Only you understand your guilt. It is beyond me.
kaveh did that to people. one could never see their own inadequacy without looking into the eyes of something greater. it was only alhaitham who stopped at the foot of the drawing and looked to its spires without flinching; it was only alhaitham, the sashay of his black robes around the still-thin lines of his legs, who bent down and moved a piece of chalk away from kaveh's encroaching feet.
today's alhaitham observes the drift of the lotus down the river. he turns back to kaveh. the curve of his eyes hide the brittle of red there; for a moment, alhaitham seems almost tired. ]
As always, you ask questions to which you already know the answers. [ it doesn't suit you, is alhaitham's silent rejoinder, said across time and universes with the same confidence one might indicate the rising of the sun or the migration of birds south for the winter - it doesn't suit kaveh because kaveh ought not diminish his flame for anyone. not kaveh, never kaveh. ] If you can identify the problem to my premise, then you are also able to work your way through the selfsame logic to another. You do not want me to provide you an answer; you merely need it.
But this is not an answer you need me to voice for you. [ alhaitham looks. ] Only you understand your guilt. It is beyond me.
[ it's an admission. there is no worthwhile or acceptable measure of an admission. the mere act of it has meaning. kaveh has never had the time; the kaveh of three days ago would never have admitted this. alhaitham allows his head to cant in acquiescence. the salad disappears in fork-fulls as alhaitham fills the brimming void within him, replete with exhaustion and a terrible, low-burning fury. but that's the thing - fury would not help him. not as he is not. not as the situation needs to unfold. for a moment, alhaitham looks; then, in another, alhaitham decides that it is not worthwhile to feel it, and simply doesn't.
alhaitham's fork abates. his shoulders relax as he considers the premise. ]
He would question the veracity of your letter. [ there are those who claim that alhaitham is made of the long-forgotten pieces of dahrian machinery, all spark plugs and wiring and coded logic bases in neat, binary form. but to understand yourself, you must first understand others. alhaitham thinks to the rumours of tighnari's temper, and walks through the well-worn logic corridors of his own mind. ] News of your capture is already well-known. The Avidyans have put in quiet inquiries regarding the status of your health; I allowed enough of the information to slip through the net's gaps so that they are aware you are alive, but no more. To receive a letter from you alone would regardless push at the boundaries of believability. No conventional prisoner would be allowed to do so; Tighnari of the Avidya is intelligent enough to assume that you may be writing it under duress.
[ but alhaitham looks kaveh. the green of his gaze rests, thoughtful. ] I will make him a deal. So long as he prepares the suppressants, I will allow him to tend to you personally so that he may ascertain your wellness.
alhaitham's fork abates. his shoulders relax as he considers the premise. ]
He would question the veracity of your letter. [ there are those who claim that alhaitham is made of the long-forgotten pieces of dahrian machinery, all spark plugs and wiring and coded logic bases in neat, binary form. but to understand yourself, you must first understand others. alhaitham thinks to the rumours of tighnari's temper, and walks through the well-worn logic corridors of his own mind. ] News of your capture is already well-known. The Avidyans have put in quiet inquiries regarding the status of your health; I allowed enough of the information to slip through the net's gaps so that they are aware you are alive, but no more. To receive a letter from you alone would regardless push at the boundaries of believability. No conventional prisoner would be allowed to do so; Tighnari of the Avidya is intelligent enough to assume that you may be writing it under duress.
[ but alhaitham looks kaveh. the green of his gaze rests, thoughtful. ] I will make him a deal. So long as he prepares the suppressants, I will allow him to tend to you personally so that he may ascertain your wellness.
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