[ the carrots crunch between kaveh's teeth. that's the thing with kaveh. even his idealism have teeth. sitting by him and the sanguine torch of his eyes, it is impossible to forget that kaveh is an architect by trade. the calculator of the tightest of margins, the visualisation of vectors and surface areas, the one who wrests art from a realm of dream kicking and screaming into a disappointing reality. the act of creation is a traumatic one. kaveh's use of language says more than what he has already said: that kaveh had been expecting to be taken since the day he arrived.
reality has always been disappointing.
in turn, alhaitham continues to eat. there is an unsettled hollow within him. he starves. his head hurts. his arms ache. he is annoyed. he is furious. of everything, he can only address one. before the day is done, he will have addressed three. but in this moment, alhaitham takes another slice of cured meats, and barely tastes it as it vanishes between the click of his teeth.
the answer comes, as it always has come, bloodless: ]
[ the changes happen with minimal announcement. this time, his eyes lower. they do not gleam. the answer provides only more questions.
the choice of light dinner is a wise one. though kaveh finds his body starving, the fatigue does not allow him the luxury of anticipating overly nutritious food. the idea, instead, sickens him. the rice is appreciated. the carrots are sweet. the fish, as kaveh reaches for it, is eaten in small bites, and the taste keeps his feelings at bay. he does not have the strength to burn himself into a splendid bonfire that is just a flame away from grasping at the stars.
kaveh eats. kaveh thinks. there is one more question to be asked, and in the logical order of conversation, he finds an adequate room. ]
Because it would please Azar too much?
[ only then does kaveh spare alhaitham the red of his eyes. ]
[ it has always been a potential outcome of the proceedings, that kaveh, high on heat would retain just enough of himself to know his measure. the matter of integrity, however, is knowing that regardless of kaveh remembers, alhaitham's answer would have remained the same. alhaitham does not consider himself a man who holds himself to a higher standard. he is merely a man who holds himself his own. he is alhaitham - there is no-one in this world who is qualified to judge him save for himself.
himself, and one other.
alhaitham gaze rests upon the platter of cold meats. he wipes his hands, slowly, and then reaches for a serving spoon. the shirazi loads onto a small plate, tomatoes and cucumbers tumbling into flakes of dried mint. ]
And because it would please me too little. [ alhaitham's fork dips into his salad. ] This will happen again in a fortnight. We do not use suppressants in Vissudha. Explain yours to me.
[ the two questions are answered. the third, not up to kaveh's satisfaction, but he lays it to rest. there is much he remembers of times past that he recalls in the same matter one would a dream: a creation of one's mind that is not, ultimately, real. kaveh fails to recognize it as such, fails to own up to the way his body had moved, the words that had come out of his mouth, with his voice, with his intonation.
the regent's name had been an exception. it had been a surprise then, and it remains an unanswered, unraveled enigma. but kaveh, who knows how to think, who has no peer to match his wits, delves in assumptions. the current one goes as such: that the regent and the crown prince do not hold an amicable relationship, that azar may seek to probe at the first sign of weakness alhaitham may show.
this, kaveh understands. that it is easier to protect oneself, to measure every word, to watch every gesture. it is far harder to expect someone else to hold themselves in the same regard.
the unwavering, trishiraite of his eyes stare. they dress in the manner of a prey whose instincts call for analysis: whether another is to be trusted, whether it will lead into a crash for territory. it wields protectiveness.
kaveh allows them to fall, as blood is wont to do. ]
I'm not entirely familiar with the way it's made. I've heard Rukkhashava mushrooms are cultivated in Mawtiyima Forest for the sole purpose of making suppressants. [ the slices of fish are thin, and they break easily on his tongue. kaveh ponders on the weight of his words, how they measure. he recalls his dream — the one that has happened —, his dream — the one that does justice to the word itself —, and elham's words.
he breathes in, then out, and sets his plate down. ] Tighnari of Avidya Forest is the herbalist who came up with the one we use in Lokapala. It not only blocked out hormones and pheromones, but it prevented pregnancy as well. It was unique for that alone.
[ anyone who knew everything knew tighnari of the avidya. in a country where guided the pursuit of knowledge forth as if it were a blinkered sumpterbeast, where other academics from other regions of the world failed to slip their ideas in beneath the tight hold of azar's reins, even azar could not stop the proliferation of tighnari's work lest it set back the vissudhan healthcare system by decades. alhaitham has never met the man himself; tighnari's distaste for vissudha and the allies in the sumeran slave belt was as well-known as the sky was blue and the water is wet, but alhaitham respected a scientific mind that could not be bought, swayed, or, indeed, stifled. avidya has sued for peace. alhaitham can use that.
this, he does not say. the beginnings of a plan does not prove the effectiveness of its execution, nor does it provide a roadmap towards its rewards. alhaitham will need to think. the ingredient named, however, is intriguing. alhaitham looks to kaveh. he studies the set of his back, the red of his eyes, and the cadence of his words. ]
The Rukkhashava mushroom is a mere legend in Vissudha. No herbalist has claimed to see it. It follows that imports of the mushroom would be an impossibility. [ slow, musing: ] Tighnari of the Avidya must have wide-reaching contacts, ones that linked intrinsically with that of Lokapala's.
[ 'he's heard', kaveh said. ] You have never seen the mushrooms.
[ kaveh observes, in the same fashion that alhaitham does.
his mind sets to work. that vissudha doubts the veracity of the existence of lokapala's rukkhashava mushrooms is not surprising. they are grown in lokapala only, deep under their glowing, sky-tearing mushrooms. vissudha, that is ever so fond of conflict, that finds purchase in slavery, has never been allowed on lokapalan grounds. it is easier to assume their existence has been a fabrication or a well-told lie rather than admit it is something they do not have their greedy hands on.
kaveh observes, as he is wont to do. as he has given himself room to think before he assumes. before he allows his heart to be the be-all end-all of... this. whatever this is. ]
I have never quite had the time. [ not between growing up in a dysfunctional family. not between homeschooling. not between losing himself in the world of architecture in order to pretend the home they had then wasn't just a house. and certainly not between building the palace of alcazarzaray itself as a foundation for what family should be, as a place for healing, and a place for death.
no. kaveh has had, in fact, very little time for most things.
he looks away, at last. ] But they exist. I've spoken with Tighnari about them, myself. [ kaveh pauses. a predator who judges the integrity of another predator. ] Anyways, Avidya is under Vissudha's control now. Surely you must have someone you trust enough to send to Avidya. I could write Tighnari a letter explaining the situation and, I don't know. Giving him permission to show you the Rukkhashava mushrooms. I'm sure he would listen to me.
[ it's an admission. there is no worthwhile or acceptable measure of an admission. the mere act of it has meaning. kaveh has never had the time; the kaveh of three days ago would never have admitted this. alhaitham allows his head to cant in acquiescence. the salad disappears in fork-fulls as alhaitham fills the brimming void within him, replete with exhaustion and a terrible, low-burning fury. but that's the thing - fury would not help him. not as he is not. not as the situation needs to unfold. for a moment, alhaitham looks; then, in another, alhaitham decides that it is not worthwhile to feel it, and simply doesn't.
alhaitham's fork abates. his shoulders relax as he considers the premise. ]
He would question the veracity of your letter. [ there are those who claim that alhaitham is made of the long-forgotten pieces of dahrian machinery, all spark plugs and wiring and coded logic bases in neat, binary form. but to understand yourself, you must first understand others. alhaitham thinks to the rumours of tighnari's temper, and walks through the well-worn logic corridors of his own mind. ] News of your capture is already well-known. The Avidyans have put in quiet inquiries regarding the status of your health; I allowed enough of the information to slip through the net's gaps so that they are aware you are alive, but no more. To receive a letter from you alone would regardless push at the boundaries of believability. No conventional prisoner would be allowed to do so; Tighnari of the Avidya is intelligent enough to assume that you may be writing it under duress.
[ but alhaitham looks kaveh. the green of his gaze rests, thoughtful. ] I will make him a deal. So long as he prepares the suppressants, I will allow him to tend to you personally so that he may ascertain your wellness.
[ information is always best consumed in tids and bits. news of your capture is already well-known, alhaitham says. kaveh, then, wonders: have they reached fontaine? does his mother, who had then been safe and sound in fontaine, know of her kingdom's fall, and of her son's capture? does kaveh want her to know, or is it best to live in ignorance? would she be happier for it? would she be happier if she didn't think of him?
this is not a spiral of thought meant to be engaged while there is light. this, he will ruminate on once the torches are rid of their fire, and he is alone with venomous thoughts.
alhaitham continues, and kaveh, against his will, finds something almost akin to mercy in his words. it would be easier to allow despair to swallow a person. it would be advantageous, even, to watch their enemy wallow in misery and assumptions of a prince's life. whether it remains on this star or it has gone on to a better world. people are likely to have more openings when their feelings are exposed for the world to see. this, kaveh knows well.
but no. alhaitham has allowed this crucial piece of information to be known. that kaveh's soul is still on this star, that he lives and breathes. that in spite of all, there is hope to be had. that its flame has not been extinguished.
above all, then, comes: i will allow him to tend to you personally, and kaveh's own flame of hope could burn down the entirety of sumeru's rainforest. it is not the same as reuniting with his people, those who have escaped death's grasp, those whose fate lie on the hands of another. those, kaveh shares a roof with. inevitably, they would come to see each other across the many hallways of the ali qapu.
not tighnari. tighnari, across the forest. tighnari has not been enslaved. tighnari still has his own free will, to an extent or another. ]
... He wouldn't come to the heart of an enemy territory without asserting his own safety. Even if you were to swear not to hurt him, words are just words. There would be too much at stake. I doubt I would be worth the risk.
[ it has always been in the word, alhaitham knows. there is a trick. set fire to a storehouse, and the mother will run to its child, the banker to his money, and the thief to his spoils. alhaitham does not believe that instinct will always show one's true character, only what one values at the time of the instinct taking hold. a banker would run to his money, but perhaps for the sake of his child in need. you cannot judge the totality of a life based on the singularity of its actions lest you discount crucial evidence that speaks to a more holistic picture. however, the choice of words when one is unaware that another is listening for it can offer clues that fit into a wider context.
'i doubt i would be worth the risk', kaveh says. alhaitham, who has weathered the contentious debate of prince, man and slave, merely looks. ]
You doubt, or Tighnari is not the type of man to do so? [ is what he asks. the question follows: ] Are you basing your assertion off of your own judgment of your self-worth, or are you judging it from the perspective of a doctor of the Avidya?
[ and then, because it is alhaitham, the words can only ever find its way to their logical conclusion: ]
Do you perhaps imply that the Vissudha will wish to capture Tighnari of the Avidya for herself?
[ in days, kaveh finds that this is the first time he has allowed himself to be seen, and finds, too, that he does not enjoy it. alhaitham had been good at reading through his mask before. alhaitham does not need kaveh to show him pages of his book. yet kaveh, who is always a bleeding heart, who wears it in his sleeves and wields it with pride, cannot will himself not to trust when trust is due.
it is not comfortable to be seen. it is not a topic of conversation he has ever engaged, before. his self-worth is his to deal with. it is not meant to be the focus of a conversation, and it burns on touch.
kaveh measures his words, still. he does not retrieve that ounce of trust. ]
Vissudha? Yes. You? No. [ this, then, is how he begins.
he allows his eyes to fall for a moment, and scan the food. none of it seems appetizing anymore. he feels gross in his own skin. he could really use a bath. ]
But you're Alhaitham, Crown Prince of Vissudha. Whether you want it or not, you wear your nation on your shoulders. It takes work to separate both. [ kaveh would know, after all. ] My self-worth has nothing to do with this, it's just logic. I am one man. Avidya has a population of its own. Tighnari cannot put his life amidst cross-fire without the reassurance he will not be hit. Between asserting to my well-being, and keeping his people safe, there are very few people who would choose the smaller number. Tighnari is not one of them, is all.
[ the nod of alhaitham's head is acquiescence. the premise is correct. vissudha would seek tighnari's expertise for himself; alhaitham has no such ambitions. is it the first time, alhaitham thinks, that kaveh has named a division between the will of the kingdom and alhaitham's will. alhaitham is under no illusion that the division is named out of misplaced faith or affection. it is merely the truth established through the well-worn corridors of logic laid bare: alhaitham has no incentive to detain tighnari. alhaitham does not act on behalf of azar. therein lies the initial schism of vissudha; kaveh would not be the man he is today if he did not utilise it as the foundation of his answer.
still, kaveh continues. alhaitham listens. the logic is sound; however, it is not comprehensive. one cannot weigh one life against the responsibility of another. but it is also in the characters of individuals to hold onto a conviction that transcends life and death itself. this, alhaitham knows - it is all too easy to be swayed by the vicissitudes of life. to remain yourself, you must hold onto something to the very end; sometimes, that is all you have. alhaitham thinks of the doctor of the avidya; he thinks of the company he keeps. ]
I am not asking of numbers. I am asking if Tighnari of the Avidya will choose you.
[ is what alhaitham says, in the simple tones of a man who has seen the great archer loose his arrows in defense of the smallest of life in his forest. in the simple tones of a man who has seen kaveh make himself small along that divan. in the simple tones of a man who knows that there is no answer to the question posed that cannot survive the crucible of kaveh's own self-determination to be small.
so instead, alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Leave the argument. There is a compromise: I will bring you to Avidya's borders. Tighnari of the Avidya is not coward enough to rest behind the mere line of his boundaries. He will treat you there.
he feels seen, because alhaitham inquires, yet does not await for an answer. he feels seen, inadequate in his own skin, knowing well the self-worth he keeps so well-hidden behind layers and layers of carefully crafted lies is slowly spilling out from the crevices of his mask. he feels bare, above all.
he feels, too, young. what makes children so special is that their view of the world is untampered, until it is tainted, until it is lost in the weight of reality. they see what no one else does: a world of pure light, of bright greens, of an endless sky. kaveh, who has not been a child for a long time, sees the words not as he would once have, but as it hurts to see:
he sees a world he cannot grasp any longer.
to bring him to avidya means to bring him outside. to bring him to avidya, of all places, is cruelty beyond words. it is what taints a child of their unique sight. it is what creates the crevices in his mask. it teases freedom, and his heart suffers for it. for how is kaveh to long for it, a fingertip away, when there are others who cannot grasp at it? how is he to want, when others only dream?
there is, indeed, a divide between vissudha and alhaitham. he has since learned such. however, kaveh has learned, too, how much nations live in their children. he finds, here, alhaitham just as cruel.
kaveh will continue to be seen, with a lowered gaze, with trembling hands, with his heart exposed. the gaps in his mask are wider. ]
... Then so be it.
[ kaveh rises, at last, so his body doesn't become entirely foreign to him. so it does not behave in ways he wishes not. his steps take him to the bed, and on top of it, that forgotten, luxurious box that has gone ignored for too long. he holds it up, and it does not serve its initial purpose. instead, it is means to a distraction. it is a request for a rewind. ]
[ kaveh's gaze lowers. alhaitham puts the fork aside. the discussion has reached its logical conclusion. the answer is the stark daylight shearing through the vissudhan canopy at daybreak: how can someone choose you, when you yourself do not choose yourself? but that premise is flawed. the choices of others cannot be contingent merely on the choices one makes for themselves. alhaitham looks to the flagstones of choice he has laid down in the past. the cost of each flagstone was exactly what alhaitham could allow. he looks to the choices he will make in the coming days, and tabulates cost. alhaitham has only ever chosen himself for himself. it is the only responsibility he can allow himself ot bear. this, he does not expand upon, for alhaitham can see the very moment kaveh realises the paradox.
a cage is still a cage, even if a gilded one.
the lowering of his gaze, the trembling of his hands. alhaitham, who does not hold the key, thinks - he has never promised to be fair, nor has he ever promised not to be cruel. he has not made any promises at all. this, alhaitham knows. but alhaitham's gaze lingers. the cost, this time, will not only be borne by himself. there was a saying like this from the depths of fontaine's seas: hope makes hollow the heart. ]
A solution. [ he says, bloodless as stone. alhaitham takes a hand-towel to clean himself off. ] However, it doesn't seem needed.
[ alhaitham shrugs. ] Leave it by the door if you find it offensive.
[ a thought runs across his mind, and kaveh, fatigued and defeated as he is, finds humiliation in it. a thought runs across his mind: that there is gratitude to be had at the fact the conversation dies there, and alhaitham does not continue it. whether kaveh is truly seen, transparent, easy to read; none of it matters. between four walls and a relationship he has had no say in, masks are bound to fall, and feelings will slip out from each and every crack so well-maintained. alhaitham is, after all, wise. that much kaveh is aware. alhaitham knows, kaveh knows that he does, and no words need to be said.
it reaches for his heart, but the fact it is not voiced is what keeps the feeling from crushing him. he should not be grateful for it. and so, he lets go. ]
... Heat aids? [ is what kaveh eventually says, instead, as the box is opened. vissudha does not rely on suppressants, after all. it makes sense. the surprise is there not for their methods, but for its presence in the room.
he should not be grateful for it. he should not ever recall elham's words. he should not think of the sketchpad, the earrings, his parents' rings. kaveh would be foolish to mask whatever this is with kindness and sympathy.
yet the more it happens, he just finds himself to be so very weak.
he closes the box, and does not think about it. ] I will keep it. [ a pause, and kaveh looks away. ] Induced heats can be unpredictable. Besides, it could happen again.
[ it won't. alhaitham would make sure. yet, still, it's easier on him to assume otherwise. ] And if Tighnari can't make the suppressants, these will be needed.
[ alhaitham says. in a world where words cannot bend reality to its will, the very act of asserting it is more threat than promise. alhaitham says these two words with the lofty air of a prophet who has seen the ending to the long line of the universe. he says this as if asserting that the sky is blue or water is wet. he says this, because he is alhaitham, with the certainty of stone. it will not happen again. not an induced heat, not like this, and not to kaveh. words have little to do with the actions taken. but to alhaitham's world, which is shaped by words alone, alhaitham knows its weight.
alhaitham offers no explanation nor platitudes in its wake. kaveh is perched over the heat aids. alhaitham looks. the potential of tighnari of the avidya being unable to create the suppressants or being able to source what is needed to do so is a bigger hurdle that alhaitham is not inclined to make promises for. there are things outside of his control. these matters must be, though it does not please him to have them be so.
still: ]
In the interim, I will send word to your people. Think on when you would like new meeting times to be set.
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no subject
Date: 2023-06-23 10:29 pm (UTC)[ the carrots crunch between kaveh's teeth. that's the thing with kaveh. even his idealism have teeth. sitting by him and the sanguine torch of his eyes, it is impossible to forget that kaveh is an architect by trade. the calculator of the tightest of margins, the visualisation of vectors and surface areas, the one who wrests art from a realm of dream kicking and screaming into a disappointing reality. the act of creation is a traumatic one. kaveh's use of language says more than what he has already said: that kaveh had been expecting to be taken since the day he arrived.
reality has always been disappointing.
in turn, alhaitham continues to eat. there is an unsettled hollow within him. he starves. his head hurts. his arms ache. he is annoyed. he is furious. of everything, he can only address one. before the day is done, he will have addressed three. but in this moment, alhaitham takes another slice of cured meats, and barely tastes it as it vanishes between the click of his teeth.
the answer comes, as it always has come, bloodless: ]
Because I do not wish to mark you.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-24 03:40 am (UTC)the choice of light dinner is a wise one. though kaveh finds his body starving, the fatigue does not allow him the luxury of anticipating overly nutritious food. the idea, instead, sickens him. the rice is appreciated. the carrots are sweet. the fish, as kaveh reaches for it, is eaten in small bites, and the taste keeps his feelings at bay. he does not have the strength to burn himself into a splendid bonfire that is just a flame away from grasping at the stars.
kaveh eats. kaveh thinks. there is one more question to be asked, and in the logical order of conversation, he finds an adequate room. ]
Because it would please Azar too much?
[ only then does kaveh spare alhaitham the red of his eyes. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-25 12:56 am (UTC)himself, and one other.
alhaitham gaze rests upon the platter of cold meats. he wipes his hands, slowly, and then reaches for a serving spoon. the shirazi loads onto a small plate, tomatoes and cucumbers tumbling into flakes of dried mint. ]
And because it would please me too little. [ alhaitham's fork dips into his salad. ] This will happen again in a fortnight. We do not use suppressants in Vissudha. Explain yours to me.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-26 08:43 pm (UTC)the regent's name had been an exception. it had been a surprise then, and it remains an unanswered, unraveled enigma. but kaveh, who knows how to think, who has no peer to match his wits, delves in assumptions. the current one goes as such: that the regent and the crown prince do not hold an amicable relationship, that azar may seek to probe at the first sign of weakness alhaitham may show.
this, kaveh understands. that it is easier to protect oneself, to measure every word, to watch every gesture. it is far harder to expect someone else to hold themselves in the same regard.
the unwavering, trishiraite of his eyes stare. they dress in the manner of a prey whose instincts call for analysis: whether another is to be trusted, whether it will lead into a crash for territory. it wields protectiveness.
kaveh allows them to fall, as blood is wont to do. ]
I'm not entirely familiar with the way it's made. I've heard Rukkhashava mushrooms are cultivated in Mawtiyima Forest for the sole purpose of making suppressants. [ the slices of fish are thin, and they break easily on his tongue. kaveh ponders on the weight of his words, how they measure. he recalls his dream — the one that has happened —, his dream — the one that does justice to the word itself —, and elham's words.
he breathes in, then out, and sets his plate down. ] Tighnari of Avidya Forest is the herbalist who came up with the one we use in Lokapala. It not only blocked out hormones and pheromones, but it prevented pregnancy as well. It was unique for that alone.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-27 04:17 am (UTC)this, he does not say. the beginnings of a plan does not prove the effectiveness of its execution, nor does it provide a roadmap towards its rewards. alhaitham will need to think. the ingredient named, however, is intriguing. alhaitham looks to kaveh. he studies the set of his back, the red of his eyes, and the cadence of his words. ]
The Rukkhashava mushroom is a mere legend in Vissudha. No herbalist has claimed to see it. It follows that imports of the mushroom would be an impossibility. [ slow, musing: ] Tighnari of the Avidya must have wide-reaching contacts, ones that linked intrinsically with that of Lokapala's.
[ 'he's heard', kaveh said. ] You have never seen the mushrooms.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-28 03:36 am (UTC)his mind sets to work. that vissudha doubts the veracity of the existence of lokapala's rukkhashava mushrooms is not surprising. they are grown in lokapala only, deep under their glowing, sky-tearing mushrooms. vissudha, that is ever so fond of conflict, that finds purchase in slavery, has never been allowed on lokapalan grounds. it is easier to assume their existence has been a fabrication or a well-told lie rather than admit it is something they do not have their greedy hands on.
kaveh observes, as he is wont to do. as he has given himself room to think before he assumes. before he allows his heart to be the be-all end-all of... this. whatever this is. ]
I have never quite had the time. [ not between growing up in a dysfunctional family. not between homeschooling. not between losing himself in the world of architecture in order to pretend the home they had then wasn't just a house. and certainly not between building the palace of alcazarzaray itself as a foundation for what family should be, as a place for healing, and a place for death.
no. kaveh has had, in fact, very little time for most things.
he looks away, at last. ] But they exist. I've spoken with Tighnari about them, myself. [ kaveh pauses. a predator who judges the integrity of another predator. ] Anyways, Avidya is under Vissudha's control now. Surely you must have someone you trust enough to send to Avidya. I could write Tighnari a letter explaining the situation and, I don't know. Giving him permission to show you the Rukkhashava mushrooms. I'm sure he would listen to me.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 07:48 am (UTC)alhaitham's fork abates. his shoulders relax as he considers the premise. ]
He would question the veracity of your letter. [ there are those who claim that alhaitham is made of the long-forgotten pieces of dahrian machinery, all spark plugs and wiring and coded logic bases in neat, binary form. but to understand yourself, you must first understand others. alhaitham thinks to the rumours of tighnari's temper, and walks through the well-worn logic corridors of his own mind. ] News of your capture is already well-known. The Avidyans have put in quiet inquiries regarding the status of your health; I allowed enough of the information to slip through the net's gaps so that they are aware you are alive, but no more. To receive a letter from you alone would regardless push at the boundaries of believability. No conventional prisoner would be allowed to do so; Tighnari of the Avidya is intelligent enough to assume that you may be writing it under duress.
[ but alhaitham looks kaveh. the green of his gaze rests, thoughtful. ] I will make him a deal. So long as he prepares the suppressants, I will allow him to tend to you personally so that he may ascertain your wellness.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-03 09:56 pm (UTC)this is not a spiral of thought meant to be engaged while there is light. this, he will ruminate on once the torches are rid of their fire, and he is alone with venomous thoughts.
alhaitham continues, and kaveh, against his will, finds something almost akin to mercy in his words. it would be easier to allow despair to swallow a person. it would be advantageous, even, to watch their enemy wallow in misery and assumptions of a prince's life. whether it remains on this star or it has gone on to a better world. people are likely to have more openings when their feelings are exposed for the world to see. this, kaveh knows well.
but no. alhaitham has allowed this crucial piece of information to be known. that kaveh's soul is still on this star, that he lives and breathes. that in spite of all, there is hope to be had. that its flame has not been extinguished.
above all, then, comes: i will allow him to tend to you personally, and kaveh's own flame of hope could burn down the entirety of sumeru's rainforest. it is not the same as reuniting with his people, those who have escaped death's grasp, those whose fate lie on the hands of another. those, kaveh shares a roof with. inevitably, they would come to see each other across the many hallways of the ali qapu.
not tighnari. tighnari, across the forest. tighnari has not been enslaved. tighnari still has his own free will, to an extent or another. ]
... He wouldn't come to the heart of an enemy territory without asserting his own safety. Even if you were to swear not to hurt him, words are just words. There would be too much at stake. I doubt I would be worth the risk.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:01 am (UTC)'i doubt i would be worth the risk', kaveh says. alhaitham, who has weathered the contentious debate of prince, man and slave, merely looks. ]
You doubt, or Tighnari is not the type of man to do so? [ is what he asks. the question follows: ] Are you basing your assertion off of your own judgment of your self-worth, or are you judging it from the perspective of a doctor of the Avidya?
[ and then, because it is alhaitham, the words can only ever find its way to their logical conclusion: ]
Do you perhaps imply that the Vissudha will wish to capture Tighnari of the Avidya for herself?
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Date: 2023-07-04 03:07 am (UTC)it is not comfortable to be seen. it is not a topic of conversation he has ever engaged, before. his self-worth is his to deal with. it is not meant to be the focus of a conversation, and it burns on touch.
kaveh measures his words, still. he does not retrieve that ounce of trust. ]
Vissudha? Yes. You? No. [ this, then, is how he begins.
he allows his eyes to fall for a moment, and scan the food. none of it seems appetizing anymore. he feels gross in his own skin. he could really use a bath. ]
But you're Alhaitham, Crown Prince of Vissudha. Whether you want it or not, you wear your nation on your shoulders. It takes work to separate both. [ kaveh would know, after all. ] My self-worth has nothing to do with this, it's just logic. I am one man. Avidya has a population of its own. Tighnari cannot put his life amidst cross-fire without the reassurance he will not be hit. Between asserting to my well-being, and keeping his people safe, there are very few people who would choose the smaller number. Tighnari is not one of them, is all.
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Date: 2023-07-04 07:04 am (UTC)still, kaveh continues. alhaitham listens. the logic is sound; however, it is not comprehensive. one cannot weigh one life against the responsibility of another. but it is also in the characters of individuals to hold onto a conviction that transcends life and death itself. this, alhaitham knows - it is all too easy to be swayed by the vicissitudes of life. to remain yourself, you must hold onto something to the very end; sometimes, that is all you have. alhaitham thinks of the doctor of the avidya; he thinks of the company he keeps. ]
I am not asking of numbers. I am asking if Tighnari of the Avidya will choose you.
[ is what alhaitham says, in the simple tones of a man who has seen the great archer loose his arrows in defense of the smallest of life in his forest. in the simple tones of a man who has seen kaveh make himself small along that divan. in the simple tones of a man who knows that there is no answer to the question posed that cannot survive the crucible of kaveh's own self-determination to be small.
so instead, alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Leave the argument. There is a compromise: I will bring you to Avidya's borders. Tighnari of the Avidya is not coward enough to rest behind the mere line of his boundaries. He will treat you there.
im going to kill you one of these days it is a Promise
Date: 2023-07-05 11:26 pm (UTC)he feels seen, because alhaitham inquires, yet does not await for an answer. he feels seen, inadequate in his own skin, knowing well the self-worth he keeps so well-hidden behind layers and layers of carefully crafted lies is slowly spilling out from the crevices of his mask. he feels bare, above all.
he feels, too, young. what makes children so special is that their view of the world is untampered, until it is tainted, until it is lost in the weight of reality. they see what no one else does: a world of pure light, of bright greens, of an endless sky. kaveh, who has not been a child for a long time, sees the words not as he would once have, but as it hurts to see:
he sees a world he cannot grasp any longer.
to bring him to avidya means to bring him outside. to bring him to avidya, of all places, is cruelty beyond words. it is what taints a child of their unique sight. it is what creates the crevices in his mask. it teases freedom, and his heart suffers for it. for how is kaveh to long for it, a fingertip away, when there are others who cannot grasp at it? how is he to want, when others only dream?
there is, indeed, a divide between vissudha and alhaitham. he has since learned such. however, kaveh has learned, too, how much nations live in their children. he finds, here, alhaitham just as cruel.
kaveh will continue to be seen, with a lowered gaze, with trembling hands, with his heart exposed. the gaps in his mask are wider. ]
... Then so be it.
[ kaveh rises, at last, so his body doesn't become entirely foreign to him. so it does not behave in ways he wishes not. his steps take him to the bed, and on top of it, that forgotten, luxurious box that has gone ignored for too long. he holds it up, and it does not serve its initial purpose. instead, it is means to a distraction. it is a request for a rewind. ]
And this?
sparkles!!!
Date: 2023-07-08 10:56 am (UTC)a cage is still a cage, even if a gilded one.
the lowering of his gaze, the trembling of his hands. alhaitham, who does not hold the key, thinks - he has never promised to be fair, nor has he ever promised not to be cruel. he has not made any promises at all. this, alhaitham knows. but alhaitham's gaze lingers. the cost, this time, will not only be borne by himself. there was a saying like this from the depths of fontaine's seas: hope makes hollow the heart. ]
A solution. [ he says, bloodless as stone. alhaitham takes a hand-towel to clean himself off. ] However, it doesn't seem needed.
[ alhaitham shrugs. ] Leave it by the door if you find it offensive.
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Date: 2023-07-09 07:45 pm (UTC)it reaches for his heart, but the fact it is not voiced is what keeps the feeling from crushing him. he should not be grateful for it. and so, he lets go. ]
... Heat aids? [ is what kaveh eventually says, instead, as the box is opened. vissudha does not rely on suppressants, after all. it makes sense. the surprise is there not for their methods, but for its presence in the room.
he should not be grateful for it. he should not ever recall elham's words. he should not think of the sketchpad, the earrings, his parents' rings. kaveh would be foolish to mask whatever this is with kindness and sympathy.
yet the more it happens, he just finds himself to be so very weak.
he closes the box, and does not think about it. ] I will keep it. [ a pause, and kaveh looks away. ] Induced heats can be unpredictable. Besides, it could happen again.
[ it won't. alhaitham would make sure. yet, still, it's easier on him to assume otherwise. ] And if Tighnari can't make the suppressants, these will be needed.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-20 02:42 pm (UTC)[ alhaitham says. in a world where words cannot bend reality to its will, the very act of asserting it is more threat than promise. alhaitham says these two words with the lofty air of a prophet who has seen the ending to the long line of the universe. he says this as if asserting that the sky is blue or water is wet. he says this, because he is alhaitham, with the certainty of stone. it will not happen again. not an induced heat, not like this, and not to kaveh. words have little to do with the actions taken. but to alhaitham's world, which is shaped by words alone, alhaitham knows its weight.
alhaitham offers no explanation nor platitudes in its wake. kaveh is perched over the heat aids. alhaitham looks. the potential of tighnari of the avidya being unable to create the suppressants or being able to source what is needed to do so is a bigger hurdle that alhaitham is not inclined to make promises for. there are things outside of his control. these matters must be, though it does not please him to have them be so.
still: ]
In the interim, I will send word to your people. Think on when you would like new meeting times to be set.