[ it has always been in the word, alhaitham knows. there is a trick. set fire to a storehouse, and the mother will run to its child, the banker to his money, and the thief to his spoils. alhaitham does not believe that instinct will always show one's true character, only what one values at the time of the instinct taking hold. a banker would run to his money, but perhaps for the sake of his child in need. you cannot judge the totality of a life based on the singularity of its actions lest you discount crucial evidence that speaks to a more holistic picture. however, the choice of words when one is unaware that another is listening for it can offer clues that fit into a wider context.
'i doubt i would be worth the risk', kaveh says. alhaitham, who has weathered the contentious debate of prince, man and slave, merely looks. ]
You doubt, or Tighnari is not the type of man to do so? [ is what he asks. the question follows: ] Are you basing your assertion off of your own judgment of your self-worth, or are you judging it from the perspective of a doctor of the Avidya?
[ and then, because it is alhaitham, the words can only ever find its way to their logical conclusion: ]
Do you perhaps imply that the Vissudha will wish to capture Tighnari of the Avidya for herself?
[ in days, kaveh finds that this is the first time he has allowed himself to be seen, and finds, too, that he does not enjoy it. alhaitham had been good at reading through his mask before. alhaitham does not need kaveh to show him pages of his book. yet kaveh, who is always a bleeding heart, who wears it in his sleeves and wields it with pride, cannot will himself not to trust when trust is due.
it is not comfortable to be seen. it is not a topic of conversation he has ever engaged, before. his self-worth is his to deal with. it is not meant to be the focus of a conversation, and it burns on touch.
kaveh measures his words, still. he does not retrieve that ounce of trust. ]
Vissudha? Yes. You? No. [ this, then, is how he begins.
he allows his eyes to fall for a moment, and scan the food. none of it seems appetizing anymore. he feels gross in his own skin. he could really use a bath. ]
But you're Alhaitham, Crown Prince of Vissudha. Whether you want it or not, you wear your nation on your shoulders. It takes work to separate both. [ kaveh would know, after all. ] My self-worth has nothing to do with this, it's just logic. I am one man. Avidya has a population of its own. Tighnari cannot put his life amidst cross-fire without the reassurance he will not be hit. Between asserting to my well-being, and keeping his people safe, there are very few people who would choose the smaller number. Tighnari is not one of them, is all.
[ the nod of alhaitham's head is acquiescence. the premise is correct. vissudha would seek tighnari's expertise for himself; alhaitham has no such ambitions. is it the first time, alhaitham thinks, that kaveh has named a division between the will of the kingdom and alhaitham's will. alhaitham is under no illusion that the division is named out of misplaced faith or affection. it is merely the truth established through the well-worn corridors of logic laid bare: alhaitham has no incentive to detain tighnari. alhaitham does not act on behalf of azar. therein lies the initial schism of vissudha; kaveh would not be the man he is today if he did not utilise it as the foundation of his answer.
still, kaveh continues. alhaitham listens. the logic is sound; however, it is not comprehensive. one cannot weigh one life against the responsibility of another. but it is also in the characters of individuals to hold onto a conviction that transcends life and death itself. this, alhaitham knows - it is all too easy to be swayed by the vicissitudes of life. to remain yourself, you must hold onto something to the very end; sometimes, that is all you have. alhaitham thinks of the doctor of the avidya; he thinks of the company he keeps. ]
I am not asking of numbers. I am asking if Tighnari of the Avidya will choose you.
[ is what alhaitham says, in the simple tones of a man who has seen the great archer loose his arrows in defense of the smallest of life in his forest. in the simple tones of a man who has seen kaveh make himself small along that divan. in the simple tones of a man who knows that there is no answer to the question posed that cannot survive the crucible of kaveh's own self-determination to be small.
so instead, alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Leave the argument. There is a compromise: I will bring you to Avidya's borders. Tighnari of the Avidya is not coward enough to rest behind the mere line of his boundaries. He will treat you there.
he feels seen, because alhaitham inquires, yet does not await for an answer. he feels seen, inadequate in his own skin, knowing well the self-worth he keeps so well-hidden behind layers and layers of carefully crafted lies is slowly spilling out from the crevices of his mask. he feels bare, above all.
he feels, too, young. what makes children so special is that their view of the world is untampered, until it is tainted, until it is lost in the weight of reality. they see what no one else does: a world of pure light, of bright greens, of an endless sky. kaveh, who has not been a child for a long time, sees the words not as he would once have, but as it hurts to see:
he sees a world he cannot grasp any longer.
to bring him to avidya means to bring him outside. to bring him to avidya, of all places, is cruelty beyond words. it is what taints a child of their unique sight. it is what creates the crevices in his mask. it teases freedom, and his heart suffers for it. for how is kaveh to long for it, a fingertip away, when there are others who cannot grasp at it? how is he to want, when others only dream?
there is, indeed, a divide between vissudha and alhaitham. he has since learned such. however, kaveh has learned, too, how much nations live in their children. he finds, here, alhaitham just as cruel.
kaveh will continue to be seen, with a lowered gaze, with trembling hands, with his heart exposed. the gaps in his mask are wider. ]
... Then so be it.
[ kaveh rises, at last, so his body doesn't become entirely foreign to him. so it does not behave in ways he wishes not. his steps take him to the bed, and on top of it, that forgotten, luxurious box that has gone ignored for too long. he holds it up, and it does not serve its initial purpose. instead, it is means to a distraction. it is a request for a rewind. ]
[ kaveh's gaze lowers. alhaitham puts the fork aside. the discussion has reached its logical conclusion. the answer is the stark daylight shearing through the vissudhan canopy at daybreak: how can someone choose you, when you yourself do not choose yourself? but that premise is flawed. the choices of others cannot be contingent merely on the choices one makes for themselves. alhaitham looks to the flagstones of choice he has laid down in the past. the cost of each flagstone was exactly what alhaitham could allow. he looks to the choices he will make in the coming days, and tabulates cost. alhaitham has only ever chosen himself for himself. it is the only responsibility he can allow himself ot bear. this, he does not expand upon, for alhaitham can see the very moment kaveh realises the paradox.
a cage is still a cage, even if a gilded one.
the lowering of his gaze, the trembling of his hands. alhaitham, who does not hold the key, thinks - he has never promised to be fair, nor has he ever promised not to be cruel. he has not made any promises at all. this, alhaitham knows. but alhaitham's gaze lingers. the cost, this time, will not only be borne by himself. there was a saying like this from the depths of fontaine's seas: hope makes hollow the heart. ]
A solution. [ he says, bloodless as stone. alhaitham takes a hand-towel to clean himself off. ] However, it doesn't seem needed.
[ alhaitham shrugs. ] Leave it by the door if you find it offensive.
[ a thought runs across his mind, and kaveh, fatigued and defeated as he is, finds humiliation in it. a thought runs across his mind: that there is gratitude to be had at the fact the conversation dies there, and alhaitham does not continue it. whether kaveh is truly seen, transparent, easy to read; none of it matters. between four walls and a relationship he has had no say in, masks are bound to fall, and feelings will slip out from each and every crack so well-maintained. alhaitham is, after all, wise. that much kaveh is aware. alhaitham knows, kaveh knows that he does, and no words need to be said.
it reaches for his heart, but the fact it is not voiced is what keeps the feeling from crushing him. he should not be grateful for it. and so, he lets go. ]
... Heat aids? [ is what kaveh eventually says, instead, as the box is opened. vissudha does not rely on suppressants, after all. it makes sense. the surprise is there not for their methods, but for its presence in the room.
he should not be grateful for it. he should not ever recall elham's words. he should not think of the sketchpad, the earrings, his parents' rings. kaveh would be foolish to mask whatever this is with kindness and sympathy.
yet the more it happens, he just finds himself to be so very weak.
he closes the box, and does not think about it. ] I will keep it. [ a pause, and kaveh looks away. ] Induced heats can be unpredictable. Besides, it could happen again.
[ it won't. alhaitham would make sure. yet, still, it's easier on him to assume otherwise. ] And if Tighnari can't make the suppressants, these will be needed.
[ alhaitham says. in a world where words cannot bend reality to its will, the very act of asserting it is more threat than promise. alhaitham says these two words with the lofty air of a prophet who has seen the ending to the long line of the universe. he says this as if asserting that the sky is blue or water is wet. he says this, because he is alhaitham, with the certainty of stone. it will not happen again. not an induced heat, not like this, and not to kaveh. words have little to do with the actions taken. but to alhaitham's world, which is shaped by words alone, alhaitham knows its weight.
alhaitham offers no explanation nor platitudes in its wake. kaveh is perched over the heat aids. alhaitham looks. the potential of tighnari of the avidya being unable to create the suppressants or being able to source what is needed to do so is a bigger hurdle that alhaitham is not inclined to make promises for. there are things outside of his control. these matters must be, though it does not please him to have them be so.
still: ]
In the interim, I will send word to your people. Think on when you would like new meeting times to be set.
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no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:01 am (UTC)'i doubt i would be worth the risk', kaveh says. alhaitham, who has weathered the contentious debate of prince, man and slave, merely looks. ]
You doubt, or Tighnari is not the type of man to do so? [ is what he asks. the question follows: ] Are you basing your assertion off of your own judgment of your self-worth, or are you judging it from the perspective of a doctor of the Avidya?
[ and then, because it is alhaitham, the words can only ever find its way to their logical conclusion: ]
Do you perhaps imply that the Vissudha will wish to capture Tighnari of the Avidya for herself?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 03:07 am (UTC)it is not comfortable to be seen. it is not a topic of conversation he has ever engaged, before. his self-worth is his to deal with. it is not meant to be the focus of a conversation, and it burns on touch.
kaveh measures his words, still. he does not retrieve that ounce of trust. ]
Vissudha? Yes. You? No. [ this, then, is how he begins.
he allows his eyes to fall for a moment, and scan the food. none of it seems appetizing anymore. he feels gross in his own skin. he could really use a bath. ]
But you're Alhaitham, Crown Prince of Vissudha. Whether you want it or not, you wear your nation on your shoulders. It takes work to separate both. [ kaveh would know, after all. ] My self-worth has nothing to do with this, it's just logic. I am one man. Avidya has a population of its own. Tighnari cannot put his life amidst cross-fire without the reassurance he will not be hit. Between asserting to my well-being, and keeping his people safe, there are very few people who would choose the smaller number. Tighnari is not one of them, is all.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 07:04 am (UTC)still, kaveh continues. alhaitham listens. the logic is sound; however, it is not comprehensive. one cannot weigh one life against the responsibility of another. but it is also in the characters of individuals to hold onto a conviction that transcends life and death itself. this, alhaitham knows - it is all too easy to be swayed by the vicissitudes of life. to remain yourself, you must hold onto something to the very end; sometimes, that is all you have. alhaitham thinks of the doctor of the avidya; he thinks of the company he keeps. ]
I am not asking of numbers. I am asking if Tighnari of the Avidya will choose you.
[ is what alhaitham says, in the simple tones of a man who has seen the great archer loose his arrows in defense of the smallest of life in his forest. in the simple tones of a man who has seen kaveh make himself small along that divan. in the simple tones of a man who knows that there is no answer to the question posed that cannot survive the crucible of kaveh's own self-determination to be small.
so instead, alhaitham shakes his head. ]
Leave the argument. There is a compromise: I will bring you to Avidya's borders. Tighnari of the Avidya is not coward enough to rest behind the mere line of his boundaries. He will treat you there.
im going to kill you one of these days it is a Promise
Date: 2023-07-05 11:26 pm (UTC)he feels seen, because alhaitham inquires, yet does not await for an answer. he feels seen, inadequate in his own skin, knowing well the self-worth he keeps so well-hidden behind layers and layers of carefully crafted lies is slowly spilling out from the crevices of his mask. he feels bare, above all.
he feels, too, young. what makes children so special is that their view of the world is untampered, until it is tainted, until it is lost in the weight of reality. they see what no one else does: a world of pure light, of bright greens, of an endless sky. kaveh, who has not been a child for a long time, sees the words not as he would once have, but as it hurts to see:
he sees a world he cannot grasp any longer.
to bring him to avidya means to bring him outside. to bring him to avidya, of all places, is cruelty beyond words. it is what taints a child of their unique sight. it is what creates the crevices in his mask. it teases freedom, and his heart suffers for it. for how is kaveh to long for it, a fingertip away, when there are others who cannot grasp at it? how is he to want, when others only dream?
there is, indeed, a divide between vissudha and alhaitham. he has since learned such. however, kaveh has learned, too, how much nations live in their children. he finds, here, alhaitham just as cruel.
kaveh will continue to be seen, with a lowered gaze, with trembling hands, with his heart exposed. the gaps in his mask are wider. ]
... Then so be it.
[ kaveh rises, at last, so his body doesn't become entirely foreign to him. so it does not behave in ways he wishes not. his steps take him to the bed, and on top of it, that forgotten, luxurious box that has gone ignored for too long. he holds it up, and it does not serve its initial purpose. instead, it is means to a distraction. it is a request for a rewind. ]
And this?
sparkles!!!
Date: 2023-07-08 10:56 am (UTC)a cage is still a cage, even if a gilded one.
the lowering of his gaze, the trembling of his hands. alhaitham, who does not hold the key, thinks - he has never promised to be fair, nor has he ever promised not to be cruel. he has not made any promises at all. this, alhaitham knows. but alhaitham's gaze lingers. the cost, this time, will not only be borne by himself. there was a saying like this from the depths of fontaine's seas: hope makes hollow the heart. ]
A solution. [ he says, bloodless as stone. alhaitham takes a hand-towel to clean himself off. ] However, it doesn't seem needed.
[ alhaitham shrugs. ] Leave it by the door if you find it offensive.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-09 07:45 pm (UTC)it reaches for his heart, but the fact it is not voiced is what keeps the feeling from crushing him. he should not be grateful for it. and so, he lets go. ]
... Heat aids? [ is what kaveh eventually says, instead, as the box is opened. vissudha does not rely on suppressants, after all. it makes sense. the surprise is there not for their methods, but for its presence in the room.
he should not be grateful for it. he should not ever recall elham's words. he should not think of the sketchpad, the earrings, his parents' rings. kaveh would be foolish to mask whatever this is with kindness and sympathy.
yet the more it happens, he just finds himself to be so very weak.
he closes the box, and does not think about it. ] I will keep it. [ a pause, and kaveh looks away. ] Induced heats can be unpredictable. Besides, it could happen again.
[ it won't. alhaitham would make sure. yet, still, it's easier on him to assume otherwise. ] And if Tighnari can't make the suppressants, these will be needed.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-20 02:42 pm (UTC)[ alhaitham says. in a world where words cannot bend reality to its will, the very act of asserting it is more threat than promise. alhaitham says these two words with the lofty air of a prophet who has seen the ending to the long line of the universe. he says this as if asserting that the sky is blue or water is wet. he says this, because he is alhaitham, with the certainty of stone. it will not happen again. not an induced heat, not like this, and not to kaveh. words have little to do with the actions taken. but to alhaitham's world, which is shaped by words alone, alhaitham knows its weight.
alhaitham offers no explanation nor platitudes in its wake. kaveh is perched over the heat aids. alhaitham looks. the potential of tighnari of the avidya being unable to create the suppressants or being able to source what is needed to do so is a bigger hurdle that alhaitham is not inclined to make promises for. there are things outside of his control. these matters must be, though it does not please him to have them be so.
still: ]
In the interim, I will send word to your people. Think on when you would like new meeting times to be set.